Winds Of Change

If you’ve read my blog, or talked to me at length, or read my tweets enough, you know Mike and I have issues within our relationship that seem to never resolve themselves, mainly because he chooses to heinously disrespect me on a constant basis. For years, I’ve allowed his opinion of me and our relationship affect me mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and most recently physically. Now that he’s decided to be incredibly obvious about his lack of concern for what could have been a beautiful relationship and blatant disrespect for me by Publicly Implementing his usual methods of mental and emotional abuse, I’ve decided that instead of allowing it to do it’s usual and eat me alive from the inside out, I shall turn his oppression toward me around and use it as empowerment.

Too long I’ve sat, and allowed his priority in my life be greater than or equal to my own children. My children have suffered greatly for this. I’ve allowed his standing in my life to surpass that of my own children, only for the sake of hoping to build an already broken family, in all the time I spent bending over backwards to show that I love him, that I care for him, that he matters to me, I’ve lost precious time I could have otherwise spent with my children showing them that they truly are my world, that they mean more to me than I, myself, ever could.

From this day on, I will no longer consider myself a Relationship Reject, nor foolish for falling in love with those I have given my heart to, because my heart is no longer his, I am not the one that rejected the relationship before knowing its full and awesome potential. I had given him my heart on a silver platter, and have embraced and have done all I can for this relationship, I truly have been at wits end to find a way to make us work out, alas, my attempts at helping remediate our issues are thwarted each and every single time by his ignorance toward respecting the feelings of who he’s with.

From now on, I am on the Ultimate Quest to Reclaim Myself. I truly do miss the person I was in the Days Before Mike, I wasn’t as paranoid, I wasn’t as insecure, I wasn’t as emotionally frail, I wasn’t someone’s punching bag, I was who I wanted to be. He has his Tagged.com profile’s relationship status as “It’s Complicated,” obviously, somehow commitment and respect for me confuse him, as I imagine it could be confusing, actually caring about someone other than yourself.

I have been 100% ironclad faithful to this relationship, to him, out of respect, and because I truly wanted this relationship to be different, from Day One, he has utilized other women, various social media, and various mediums of communication to demean any positive standing I could have had in his life. My priority in his life has always been Dead Last.

Now that we’re within the company of his family and their friends, there have been hushed tones regarding me, judging me for what they’ve seen Thus Far, helping him hide the fact that he truly cannot carry on a relationship, helping him further demean my being, judging me by what they’ve heard fall out of Mike’s mouth about me (100% of it Utter Fallacy and Trashtalk) when they weren’t there when Mike was making late night walks to other women’s houses after chatting sexually with them for hours to sleep with them, they weren’t there when he’s made excuses and concocted lies to “protect” my feelings, they weren’t there witnessing him handing out “I love yous” like they were free candy to other women he’d only attached himself to only to distract himself from this relationship, they weren’t the ones who had to read for themselves that to him I’m only a live-in roommate (he even went so far to say I was male), they weren’t the ones he had made a mere bystander of their own childrens lives, they weren’t there for the first major fight we had, or the several times he had used his tears to guilt me into thinking he actually does care, they haven’t been there for the several years of indifference and passive animosity he shovels my way, they aren’t the ones he’ll spend months ignoring while he does whatever his little head tells him to, they weren’t there when I found out he had told one of these women he found me unattractive, they weren’t there when I had laid awake one night to hear him tell another of these women that he found me to be a negligent parent and the worst person he could possibly know, and that they had discussed and planned on helping him make sure I never saw Nathaniel ever again, they weren’t there when Mike told me he loved me the first time, and within 24 hours allowed his actions to prove otherwise, they weren’t there for any of the Horrid Depravity his presence is and has been capable of, they haven’t been there each time I’ve pleaded, tears in my eyes, begging for him to see me as a human being, to finally give back emotionally in the relationship, pleading for him to see me worthy enough of his respect. I should have never begged or pleaded with him, he is not a god, and I’ve always been more than worthy of his respect. I am and always have been more than worthy of it.

So, after years of handing him my heart only to have it stomped on, spit on, pissed on, shit on over and over and over (ad nauseam, you get the drift), I am taking it back, I’m taking my life back. I will no longer be the victim, I will be the victor.

I have always been very open with him, painfully so. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and make sure my voice is known, and I always give 300% more than I’m ever given back, I’ve emotionally wrought myself over this, and gotten nothing back emotionally to show for it, instead, it has driven me further into a self-loathing depression, my love for him only causing emotional desolation.

Add a comment June 20, 2009
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